The Ambiguous Case of Osama Bin Laden

            In my middle school years, I didn’t have an accurate understanding what a relationship with God entails. I thought He was a magical genie who would grant any wish you prayed for, but I soon realized, if God existed, He was no genie. If he was a genie, everyone’s wishes would be granted, everyone would be happy, and no one would be in pain. Even my immature 7^th grade self could see this was not the condition the world was in. I was confused why earth and utopia were antonyms. I thought earth and heaven were supposed to be identical twins. I was wrong. I understand why now, but that is a different topic. What is important is that I didn’t understand then. The tragedy, violence, poverty, and hate in the world deeply disturbed me. When I saw reports of murders in Detroit, violent wars, and devastating natural disasters, my positive spirt would leak until I was nothing more than a deflated balloon. Constantly seeing and hearing of devastation in the world disheartened me so extremely I began to question the existence of God. How could this supposed God who loves the world allow so much hate? The thought of living in a world where the bad doesn’t stand a chance against the good was too terrifying. I needed a reason to not lose hope, so I prayed to God. I childishly plead for a sign that would prove God is alive in the world. I was so desperate. Anything would do. Any small positive news report or act of genuine love would have sufficed. But God didn’t do small. The next morning I woke up to hear that Osama Bin Laden was found and killed by US troops.

             There was my sign. It was a validation of God’s existence in the world. It was a message that the world was one step closer to peace. It was the hope I desperately needed. I was ecstatic and utterly amazed that God revealed Himself in such an exceptional way. My happiness grew when I became surrounded by the boosted patriotic atmosphere in America. Right before the school pledged its allegiance to the flag my teacher exclaimed, “Say it proud today”. I did. That day and many following I didn’t see depressing news reports of the world’s tragedies. Instead I saw people marching, celebrating, and singing “God Bless America”. But God, do you bless it? Do you bless this nation? A nation whose fervent momentary pride was based upon a good kill. Do you bless me? A girl who thought the death of an enemy was an honorable form of hope

            Every American citizen I encountered seemed thrilled with the news, except for my Mom. Her patriotic spirit was tiny candle compared to the fire that was consuming the nation. Perplexed by the reason her flame was so dismal, I asked her “aren’t you happy Osama is gone?” She answered in her calm voice that hid the passion behind her unpopular opinion, “No, I just don’t think it is right to be celebrating a death of a person.” I tried to ignore what my mom said. I was convinced his death was something to celebrate. It was a sign God sent me. The prayer and timing was too perfect for it to be anything but a miracle. I couldn’t allow for its purity to be tarnished. It had to have been a message from God proclaiming there was an honorable hope in the world. Didn’t it?

            Ambiguity is an inescapable side effect of faith in God. God is a mystery. A mystery we won’t completely solve in this life time. However, we are given clues. Many of the clues God has shown me are relatively clear. Because of their clarity, these clues have aided me in solving the mystery of God and have led to new understandings and revelations. However, Osama’s death is a clue that is cloudy. Some would say ambiguous. It could lead me down a few different paths. God could have been telling me that it is okay to rejoice over any sinful person’s death and suffering. Another path could be God proclaiming the world is hopeless and cruel because even the supposed “good guys” act barbarically by celebrating the end of a fellow human. Lastly, God was telling me that if I praise the suffering of another person, I would remain a sinner. God has taught me to believe the latter. However, I am still confused. If God has taught me believe that any human death shouldn’t be celebrated, why did God positively illuminate Osama’s death in seventh grade? When I was desperate for a hopeful and honorable sign He delivered a remarkable occurrence the next day. I can’t believe it was a coincidence. Maybe God was trying to give me hope for the moment. Maybe He understood what my seventh grade self and America needed to hear. If that is true, why did He have my mom shine a negative light on the idea? What my mom told me was truly wise, and I know her wisdom was shaped by her Christianity. Maybe God wanted me to live in a glass house of ignorance, but he wanted to crack it slightly so it would crumble one day. Maybe God even wanted me to write about it. Maybe it is everything I have thought of. Maybe I am so completely far off. I do not know. I can guess, but will probably never come to a definite conclusion. That is okay. However, I am a positive God has shown me one thing through this experience. Osama’s death was a sign from God. A sign that I acknowledge but will never cherish. Maybe that is why this sign is so ambiguous. My frustration with not knowing the truth prevents me from treasuring the sign. If I can’t appreciate the occurrence, how can I value the action which brought it to me? The death of a neighbor and an enemy. Two people Jesus taught me to love.

            God is mysterious. Osama’s death is one of His mysteries that I might never figure out, but I am perfectly pleased with discovering the clues in this life time instead of solving the case. 

A Best Friend

It is a very seldom occurrence that what you constantly dream and fantasize about actually becomes a reality. I am big day dreamer. I always have been. Many of my day-dreams are usually realistic and tangible. It is a problem. Anything I desire in life that I can’t have at that moment I dream up a life in my head where I can have it. I guess in a way my day dreams are a coping mechanism for the lack of what I desire, but unfortunately that kind of makes it an addiction. An addiction that I have had from a very early age. This is in no way a sob-story, it is just a major aspect of my life. In elementary, I used to swing on the swing set for hours just imagining different scenarios my supper cool middle school self would encounter. In middle school I couldn’t wait to get to high school where I was so sure I would meet a ton of friends, become super popular, and have a bunch of boyfriends. I have even dreamed up a high school romance with an attractive new guy from Australia (why Australia… long story). The point of this whole spiel about my day-dreams is to emphasize an important point. There is a 99.9999 % chance that my day-dreams won’t ever turn into my realities. When your actions involve controlling others actions more than your own, it will end in failure. I didn’t become super popular in middle school. I can assure I am anything but super cool in High-School. And sadly no hot guy from half way around the world arrived at my high-school to make my dream come true. I know I kind sound angry and negative about all of this, but I really am not. I know I am not living the life I dreamed up because God has different and better plans for me. I love the way my life has turned out, even if it doesn’t match up with my dreams. However, when I reflect on my entire career in day-dreaming, I realize that there is an exceptional case where my fantasy became a reality. It is the o.ooo1% of my dreams. This exception has had and continues to have an enormous and powerful influence on my life. This exception is so exceptional I can only deduce that it was a blessing from God. I dreamed a dream and it came true.

            I was entering my 7^th grade year with unrealistically high hopes in the form of a vison, but the unrealistic dream was one of the few things I had. I was lost and desperate. Desperate for a best friend, and if I was lucky enough, a group of friends. Throughout sixth grade I hung out with a group of friends who were resembled acquaintances. I didn’t feel like they cared about me, but I also didn’t really care about them. This is in no way there fault. They were never mean to me. I just didn’t see our interests and personalities mixing anymore. At the end of sixth grade I decided to try to slowly break away from that particular group of friends and attempt to find new ones. However, my desperate priority was a best friend. In life people often highly desire a place where they belong. In the mind of a slowly maturing middle school student finding a place to belong isn’t just a desire. It’s a necessity. A necessity I lacked. I felt like I was barely surviving. I know this seems like foolish middle school problem. It is one where I look back and think, “Wow, I was a little dramatic”. There were and still are people who are going through so much more pain. I wasn’t even completely alone. I had an amazing loving family that I took for granted! Well even though my past pain seems unworthy because I was an inexperienced 12 year old girl, I can assure the pain was real and loud. It wouldn’t leave me alone. I remember crying myself to sleep many nights. I remember looking at every girl and wondering, “Could she be my best friend? Does she already have a best friend?” I prayed to God to send someone who would end my suffering. I never prayed to God so passionately before. I am kind of ashamed of that, but a best friend was all I needed. A best friend was what I didn’t have, and there was rarely a moment where I would allow myself forget that. Dreaming up different and future realities where I would have a best friend and a group of friends became my drug to lessen my pain. I imagined a girl and me just clicking and becoming best friends forever. I imagined having sleepovers, trips to the mall, boys, high school, and life with her. I imagined becoming best friends with someone who would introduce me to other friends.  I imagined this perfect girl who would understand me and care about me. My day-dreams were my only hope I could cling to…more like dangle from. See this is where God comes in. At moments of extreme despair God makes his love and presence unmistakably know. Perhaps God wanted you to go through a horrible period in your life so He could give you something amazing after. Something that would barely mean anything too you if you hadn’t gone through the period of time where it was absent. That something for me was and still is my best friend.

            About a month into my middle school nightmare I received a text from this wonderful girl who would soon become my best friend. The text she sent is why we are best friends today. Of all the options for a best friend I definitely didn’t consider her. Not because I didn’t like her or anything! She was just a part of the group I didn’t really want to be close with anymore. (SIDE NOTE: let’s just say the girl I am talking about name is June). The day she sent me the text was a total plot twist on my life. I thought June was a devout member of this middle school clique, but to my surprise she was the opposite. June told me that she didn’t really want to be close friends with our clique anymore, but she did want to become closer friends with me. I realized then she was desperate for the exact same thing that I was desperate for. She was dreaming the same dream. We both needed a best friend. We both needed a new group of friends. We both needed a best friend to meet new friends with. The only difference is that she took steps to make her dream a reality, while I just waited for it to happen.

            We soon began hanging out a lot more. I knew her since 1^st grade, but it felt as though I was meeting a new friend. We became very close and I finally felt like I had a place where I belonged (outside of my wonderful family of course). I wasn’t lost anymore because God gave me June as the light to guide me out my despair. That is exactly what she did. June is very determined. When she wants something she won’t patiently wait and expect it to happen. She stands up and walks right up to the thing she wants and grabs it. She wanted to meet new friends whether they liked it or not. June went about this process in a graceful, kind, and passive way. What I am so grateful for is that she took me along on her journey to meet different people. One of the friends June meet and introduced me too was this wonderful girl named let’s say…Pansy. Currently, she is a best friend of mine. She is the type of person who greatly cares about the happiness of others. She makes an effort to give others that happiness. I think she understood that June and I wanted to make more friends. She would commit social suicide and leave her lunch table and come sit with us losers! I remember Pansy’s friends not being happy about her leaving them at lunch a couple of times a week. Pansy didn’t care enough about her friend’s disapproval to stop being kind and friendly to us. She then did the unspeakable. She invited us to sit with her and her friends at lunch! How could she do such a nice thing?! Didn’t she know that you can’t let anyone new into your middle school clique? Her refusal to conform is why I love Pansy and owe her a great deal of my joy. Pansy gave us an opportunity to make new friends. Her friends originally didn’t like us intruding on their group, but over time, they warmed up to us. They are some of my closest friends I have today. I am so grateful to both Pansy and to God for allowing me to meet these wonderful people. However, there was another force working here. AKA my strong and ambitious best friend. I think June might have had some influence on this decision. Not only did she originally befriend Pansy, but I think she had a direct influence on Pansy’s kind and selfless decision. Maybe she talked with Pansy about wanting to meet new friends, or gave hints that she wanted us to sit with Pansy’s friends at lunch. I don’t know what happened, but I am pretty sure June gracefully pushed her and my way into this group. But please don’t think because June is ambitious she is annoying and unpleasant to be around! She is the opposite. June is a girl a boat load of people love because of she kindly made her own spot in their lives. When and while she makes her way in you can’t help but adore her. I am not really a pusher because I don’t have the confidence to be. I was merely the co-pilot of June’s plane gliding through the air to its destination. The destination being our amazing group of friends.  They are the group of friends that I usually hang out with now, and still sit at lunch with. I have shared so many memories of sleepovers, lunch, parties, and dances with them. In the vast and treacherous sea of High school, they are my little floaty I happily cling too. I know I take my friends for granted, but they have really done a lot for me. I realized soon after forming a group of friends that I probably wouldn’t be friends with them if it weren’t for June. If it wasn’t for her ambition, kindness, and charisma, I probably would still be in the same desolate and depressing place my 7^th grade self was in. Whose only source of hope was her hopeless unrealistic day dreams.

            I knew then and I know now with even greater clarity that June is a blessing from God. God heard my prayers. God wanted to show me He loves me. God knew that I didn’t have the confidence to go out and try to make new friends, so God sent me confidence in the form of a best friend. She has changed my life in the best way possible. She is the reason for so much happiness in my life. She is the one who took the brave step and texted me. She is the one who made the effort to be my best friend. She is the one who helped me make new friends. She has done so much for me, and I have done so little for her. I have felt that I don’t deserve June as a best friend. I now realize we deserve each other, but I just didn’t earn her. I didn’t do anything to make her my best friend. But a blessing isn’t something you earn. A blessing is something that is given to you by Gods amazing grace. June is a blessing from God. God put this beyond amazing girl in my life, because he loves me. He saw that I needed her, and blessed me with her spirt and ambition. It is God and June who have changed my life. I did nothing. All I did was hope and dream of a better life. Much of my entire life has been spent dreaming of elaborate futures, but this is the one and only occurrence where my dream came true. 

Signs Page Explanation

              God is mysterious. God is difficult to see. God doesn’t just show up one day as the glowing white bearded man depicted in images and say “Hey, I am God. I exist.” Why though? Why can’t God just appear in a dream, and say “Whats up!? I am here.” If God did that, finding and maintaining faith would be so much easier. But if something is easy to obtain, it would be less valued than something that is hard to obtain. It is like the grades received from different classes. Last year I took the most time consuming, challenging, and stressful course I have ever taken. If you are a high school student or know one, you probably have heard of a little class called APUSH(AP United States History). I spent one to three hours every night studying, making flashcards, reading the book, taking notes on the book, and mentally preparing myself for the next quiz, test, or in-class essay. It was exhausting, but not in vain. I got an A. That A was awesome, and I still thank God today for giving me the abilities to achieve it. I got As in other classes as well. For example, for my fashion design class the grade was primarily determined by participation. So basically because I put an honest effort in that class, I received an  A. Let’s be realistic now, the effort I put into fashion design was nothing compared to the effort I put into APUSH. I didn’t need to in order to achieve the same result. I ended up receiving the same grade in both classes, but the grades were not at all equal in value. I find greater happiness when I think about my grade in APUSH than my grade in fashion design. That is simply because my A was not easy to achieve. My grade was not given to me as a delicately wrapped gift. The grade required hard work, doubt, and perseverance. My relationship with God was not easy to achieve. My relationship with God isn’t a delicately wrapped gift God just handed over to me. Building a relationship with God requires hard work, doubt, and perseverance (and a whole lot of other stuff). If God revealed Himself to me as glowing figure and said, “Hello. I am God. I am here. I exist. I love you”, I know I would effortlessly accept God into my daily lives without truly understanding His value. God would become like the sun. A reliable and inescapable constant aspect of life. So easy to accept its presence. So easy to acknowledge its importance. So easy to forget its value. So easy to not appreciate. So easy not to notice. My life wouldn’t be worth living, if I never noticed God.

            My faith in God has not been achieved through direct contact with Him. That would be too easy. My faith in God comes from indirect communication. I guess you could call them signs. Gods signs serve as validation of His constant presence with us and His endless support. Living life while noticing all of the different ways God is communicating with us is hard. It is easy to focus on the world and all of its demands, but it is hard to make time for God. However, when we fixate ourselves on God and notice His signs, God gives us something more valuable than anything on Earth. God allows us to see Him.

            I think God wants to make his presence known, but He wants to do so in a way that will keep us actively engaged. If God makes himself harder to see, we put in a greater effort to connect with Him. And because finding God is a difficult task, we are given a greater sense of glory when we do see Him. When I finally notice one of God’s signs that I desperately need, I feel like the Miracle Mets when they won the World Series. I feel like an underdog who has won the championship. The championship being Gods infinite grace. I have been filled with strong doubt, worry, and confusion that only God can and has repeatedly beaten. God is here. We just need to perceive his presence.

            God graciously gives me many messages that teach me lessons and validate his eternal love. God’s signs are one of the best paths to experiencing God’s message. That is why I wanted to make this page. To illustrate the signs I have received from God that have inspired my blog posts. I feel as though when people (myself included) talk about their faith, they do not typically talk about the personal and intimate ways God has shown Himself to them. I do not view this as in any way wrong! All of my religious blog posts I typically talk about what God does for me, and what his teaching mean. I have explained the what but not the how. I have not explained how I have come to believe what I believe. How something has come into existence is just as important if not more important than what actually is existing. I want to share. I want to explain how my faith has evolved to be what it is today. How has God shown Himself to me? How did I become a Christian? How can I be so sure about my faith? Simple. It’s all about God’s unquestionable signs.