The Ambiguous Case of Osama Bin Laden

            In my middle school years, I didn’t have an accurate understanding what a relationship with God entails. I thought He was a magical genie who would grant any wish you prayed for, but I soon realized, if God existed, He was no genie. If he was a genie, everyone’s wishes would be granted, everyone would be happy, and no one would be in pain. Even my immature 7^th grade self could see this was not the condition the world was in. I was confused why earth and utopia were antonyms. I thought earth and heaven were supposed to be identical twins. I was wrong. I understand why now, but that is a different topic. What is important is that I didn’t understand then. The tragedy, violence, poverty, and hate in the world deeply disturbed me. When I saw reports of murders in Detroit, violent wars, and devastating natural disasters, my positive spirt would leak until I was nothing more than a deflated balloon. Constantly seeing and hearing of devastation in the world disheartened me so extremely I began to question the existence of God. How could this supposed God who loves the world allow so much hate? The thought of living in a world where the bad doesn’t stand a chance against the good was too terrifying. I needed a reason to not lose hope, so I prayed to God. I childishly plead for a sign that would prove God is alive in the world. I was so desperate. Anything would do. Any small positive news report or act of genuine love would have sufficed. But God didn’t do small. The next morning I woke up to hear that Osama Bin Laden was found and killed by US troops.

             There was my sign. It was a validation of God’s existence in the world. It was a message that the world was one step closer to peace. It was the hope I desperately needed. I was ecstatic and utterly amazed that God revealed Himself in such an exceptional way. My happiness grew when I became surrounded by the boosted patriotic atmosphere in America. Right before the school pledged its allegiance to the flag my teacher exclaimed, “Say it proud today”. I did. That day and many following I didn’t see depressing news reports of the world’s tragedies. Instead I saw people marching, celebrating, and singing “God Bless America”. But God, do you bless it? Do you bless this nation? A nation whose fervent momentary pride was based upon a good kill. Do you bless me? A girl who thought the death of an enemy was an honorable form of hope

            Every American citizen I encountered seemed thrilled with the news, except for my Mom. Her patriotic spirit was tiny candle compared to the fire that was consuming the nation. Perplexed by the reason her flame was so dismal, I asked her “aren’t you happy Osama is gone?” She answered in her calm voice that hid the passion behind her unpopular opinion, “No, I just don’t think it is right to be celebrating a death of a person.” I tried to ignore what my mom said. I was convinced his death was something to celebrate. It was a sign God sent me. The prayer and timing was too perfect for it to be anything but a miracle. I couldn’t allow for its purity to be tarnished. It had to have been a message from God proclaiming there was an honorable hope in the world. Didn’t it?

            Ambiguity is an inescapable side effect of faith in God. God is a mystery. A mystery we won’t completely solve in this life time. However, we are given clues. Many of the clues God has shown me are relatively clear. Because of their clarity, these clues have aided me in solving the mystery of God and have led to new understandings and revelations. However, Osama’s death is a clue that is cloudy. Some would say ambiguous. It could lead me down a few different paths. God could have been telling me that it is okay to rejoice over any sinful person’s death and suffering. Another path could be God proclaiming the world is hopeless and cruel because even the supposed “good guys” act barbarically by celebrating the end of a fellow human. Lastly, God was telling me that if I praise the suffering of another person, I would remain a sinner. God has taught me to believe the latter. However, I am still confused. If God has taught me believe that any human death shouldn’t be celebrated, why did God positively illuminate Osama’s death in seventh grade? When I was desperate for a hopeful and honorable sign He delivered a remarkable occurrence the next day. I can’t believe it was a coincidence. Maybe God was trying to give me hope for the moment. Maybe He understood what my seventh grade self and America needed to hear. If that is true, why did He have my mom shine a negative light on the idea? What my mom told me was truly wise, and I know her wisdom was shaped by her Christianity. Maybe God wanted me to live in a glass house of ignorance, but he wanted to crack it slightly so it would crumble one day. Maybe God even wanted me to write about it. Maybe it is everything I have thought of. Maybe I am so completely far off. I do not know. I can guess, but will probably never come to a definite conclusion. That is okay. However, I am a positive God has shown me one thing through this experience. Osama’s death was a sign from God. A sign that I acknowledge but will never cherish. Maybe that is why this sign is so ambiguous. My frustration with not knowing the truth prevents me from treasuring the sign. If I can’t appreciate the occurrence, how can I value the action which brought it to me? The death of a neighbor and an enemy. Two people Jesus taught me to love.

            God is mysterious. Osama’s death is one of His mysteries that I might never figure out, but I am perfectly pleased with discovering the clues in this life time instead of solving the case. 

Motivation

**NOTE: I apologize if this may be a little confusing and informal... it is written like a reflection I would write in my own personal journal. Also there might be some grammatical mistakes because I didn't edit it carefully. But then again do you ever go back and edit your journals?

Lately I have been having trouble motivating myself to do anything other than explore various forms of social media and watch YouTube videos. The typical teenager. Obsessed with the magical and wonderful internet. These tasks aren't inherently bad, but when done in excess they become destructive. Because of my stereotypical actions I loose time to complete spiritual actions. I love to write, read, help people, and learn.  I really do, but I can't motivate myself to do these rewarding tasks.(As you can probably infer from my lack of blog posts) I want to focus on one field of productivity that pertains to this particular context. Writing. After every time I write I get this feeling of completeness. I feel as though my purpose in life is being fulfilled. I am always so excited to write again, but I have a hard time motivating myself to. I spend so much more time on activities that aren't furthering my relationship with God. What I don't understand is why? Why is it so hard for me to get off my butt and do something. There are many flaws in my character, but my most self-destructive one is my laziness. I don't really want to call it laziness, because it is a little different. Well not by much. I have always been satisfied with completing simple tasks. Ever since I was a child. I enjoyed watching wayyyy too much TV. Playing super fun video games on the computer. I occasionally liked to read. But I wasn't a total couch potato! I loved to play outside, ride bikes, and swim. I never got involved with many organized activities. Sports weren't my thing. I didn't have interest in doing many activities after school or outside of school. This was a big problem in middle school. The only activity outside of school that I occasionally partook in was church. Presently, I am not this extreme couch potato that my middle school self once was. And the reason for that is God. In freshman year of high school, I didn't do many outside activities. Just softball in the spring and I hated every minute of it. Then everything changed when God came into my life. At the end of Freshman year was when I really started to know God. And every moment from then has just kept getting better and better, because God keeps pushing me to become better and better. Sophomore year I became actively involved in a community service club called Project Lead, became more involved in church, studied more, read more, wrote more, improved more, and I even got a job at my church! Now I am in my Junior year and am pretty busy. I am in many different clubs, much more involved at my church (I am now a Deacon), babysitting a lot more, writing more, reading a little more, giving more, and blah blah. I am not saying all this because I think I am a great person who has improved greatly. I am saying this to show how God's great grace has improved me as a person in ways I never could. I couldn't have done it without him.

Woww. If you think this post has no coherence  or direction you are right. When I started writing this, I thought it was going to be like something you write in your journal. I just started writing. I didn't know my purpose. I didn't really know what I was going to say until I started writing about my day. (Yes a rhyme!) Writing (especially in my journals) helps connect me to revelations God wants me to know. Well I just started writing and complaining about my laziness and in the end God helped me realize a great revelation. Even though I still complete unfulfilled tasks, I have come such a long way and it is all thanks to God.

A Best Friend

It is a very seldom occurrence that what you constantly dream and fantasize about actually becomes a reality. I am big day dreamer. I always have been. Many of my day-dreams are usually realistic and tangible. It is a problem. Anything I desire in life that I can’t have at that moment I dream up a life in my head where I can have it. I guess in a way my day dreams are a coping mechanism for the lack of what I desire, but unfortunately that kind of makes it an addiction. An addiction that I have had from a very early age. This is in no way a sob-story, it is just a major aspect of my life. In elementary, I used to swing on the swing set for hours just imagining different scenarios my supper cool middle school self would encounter. In middle school I couldn’t wait to get to high school where I was so sure I would meet a ton of friends, become super popular, and have a bunch of boyfriends. I have even dreamed up a high school romance with an attractive new guy from Australia (why Australia… long story). The point of this whole spiel about my day-dreams is to emphasize an important point. There is a 99.9999 % chance that my day-dreams won’t ever turn into my realities. When your actions involve controlling others actions more than your own, it will end in failure. I didn’t become super popular in middle school. I can assure I am anything but super cool in High-School. And sadly no hot guy from half way around the world arrived at my high-school to make my dream come true. I know I kind sound angry and negative about all of this, but I really am not. I know I am not living the life I dreamed up because God has different and better plans for me. I love the way my life has turned out, even if it doesn’t match up with my dreams. However, when I reflect on my entire career in day-dreaming, I realize that there is an exceptional case where my fantasy became a reality. It is the o.ooo1% of my dreams. This exception has had and continues to have an enormous and powerful influence on my life. This exception is so exceptional I can only deduce that it was a blessing from God. I dreamed a dream and it came true.

            I was entering my 7^th grade year with unrealistically high hopes in the form of a vison, but the unrealistic dream was one of the few things I had. I was lost and desperate. Desperate for a best friend, and if I was lucky enough, a group of friends. Throughout sixth grade I hung out with a group of friends who were resembled acquaintances. I didn’t feel like they cared about me, but I also didn’t really care about them. This is in no way there fault. They were never mean to me. I just didn’t see our interests and personalities mixing anymore. At the end of sixth grade I decided to try to slowly break away from that particular group of friends and attempt to find new ones. However, my desperate priority was a best friend. In life people often highly desire a place where they belong. In the mind of a slowly maturing middle school student finding a place to belong isn’t just a desire. It’s a necessity. A necessity I lacked. I felt like I was barely surviving. I know this seems like foolish middle school problem. It is one where I look back and think, “Wow, I was a little dramatic”. There were and still are people who are going through so much more pain. I wasn’t even completely alone. I had an amazing loving family that I took for granted! Well even though my past pain seems unworthy because I was an inexperienced 12 year old girl, I can assure the pain was real and loud. It wouldn’t leave me alone. I remember crying myself to sleep many nights. I remember looking at every girl and wondering, “Could she be my best friend? Does she already have a best friend?” I prayed to God to send someone who would end my suffering. I never prayed to God so passionately before. I am kind of ashamed of that, but a best friend was all I needed. A best friend was what I didn’t have, and there was rarely a moment where I would allow myself forget that. Dreaming up different and future realities where I would have a best friend and a group of friends became my drug to lessen my pain. I imagined a girl and me just clicking and becoming best friends forever. I imagined having sleepovers, trips to the mall, boys, high school, and life with her. I imagined becoming best friends with someone who would introduce me to other friends.  I imagined this perfect girl who would understand me and care about me. My day-dreams were my only hope I could cling to…more like dangle from. See this is where God comes in. At moments of extreme despair God makes his love and presence unmistakably know. Perhaps God wanted you to go through a horrible period in your life so He could give you something amazing after. Something that would barely mean anything too you if you hadn’t gone through the period of time where it was absent. That something for me was and still is my best friend.

            About a month into my middle school nightmare I received a text from this wonderful girl who would soon become my best friend. The text she sent is why we are best friends today. Of all the options for a best friend I definitely didn’t consider her. Not because I didn’t like her or anything! She was just a part of the group I didn’t really want to be close with anymore. (SIDE NOTE: let’s just say the girl I am talking about name is June). The day she sent me the text was a total plot twist on my life. I thought June was a devout member of this middle school clique, but to my surprise she was the opposite. June told me that she didn’t really want to be close friends with our clique anymore, but she did want to become closer friends with me. I realized then she was desperate for the exact same thing that I was desperate for. She was dreaming the same dream. We both needed a best friend. We both needed a new group of friends. We both needed a best friend to meet new friends with. The only difference is that she took steps to make her dream a reality, while I just waited for it to happen.

            We soon began hanging out a lot more. I knew her since 1^st grade, but it felt as though I was meeting a new friend. We became very close and I finally felt like I had a place where I belonged (outside of my wonderful family of course). I wasn’t lost anymore because God gave me June as the light to guide me out my despair. That is exactly what she did. June is very determined. When she wants something she won’t patiently wait and expect it to happen. She stands up and walks right up to the thing she wants and grabs it. She wanted to meet new friends whether they liked it or not. June went about this process in a graceful, kind, and passive way. What I am so grateful for is that she took me along on her journey to meet different people. One of the friends June meet and introduced me too was this wonderful girl named let’s say…Pansy. Currently, she is a best friend of mine. She is the type of person who greatly cares about the happiness of others. She makes an effort to give others that happiness. I think she understood that June and I wanted to make more friends. She would commit social suicide and leave her lunch table and come sit with us losers! I remember Pansy’s friends not being happy about her leaving them at lunch a couple of times a week. Pansy didn’t care enough about her friend’s disapproval to stop being kind and friendly to us. She then did the unspeakable. She invited us to sit with her and her friends at lunch! How could she do such a nice thing?! Didn’t she know that you can’t let anyone new into your middle school clique? Her refusal to conform is why I love Pansy and owe her a great deal of my joy. Pansy gave us an opportunity to make new friends. Her friends originally didn’t like us intruding on their group, but over time, they warmed up to us. They are some of my closest friends I have today. I am so grateful to both Pansy and to God for allowing me to meet these wonderful people. However, there was another force working here. AKA my strong and ambitious best friend. I think June might have had some influence on this decision. Not only did she originally befriend Pansy, but I think she had a direct influence on Pansy’s kind and selfless decision. Maybe she talked with Pansy about wanting to meet new friends, or gave hints that she wanted us to sit with Pansy’s friends at lunch. I don’t know what happened, but I am pretty sure June gracefully pushed her and my way into this group. But please don’t think because June is ambitious she is annoying and unpleasant to be around! She is the opposite. June is a girl a boat load of people love because of she kindly made her own spot in their lives. When and while she makes her way in you can’t help but adore her. I am not really a pusher because I don’t have the confidence to be. I was merely the co-pilot of June’s plane gliding through the air to its destination. The destination being our amazing group of friends.  They are the group of friends that I usually hang out with now, and still sit at lunch with. I have shared so many memories of sleepovers, lunch, parties, and dances with them. In the vast and treacherous sea of High school, they are my little floaty I happily cling too. I know I take my friends for granted, but they have really done a lot for me. I realized soon after forming a group of friends that I probably wouldn’t be friends with them if it weren’t for June. If it wasn’t for her ambition, kindness, and charisma, I probably would still be in the same desolate and depressing place my 7^th grade self was in. Whose only source of hope was her hopeless unrealistic day dreams.

            I knew then and I know now with even greater clarity that June is a blessing from God. God heard my prayers. God wanted to show me He loves me. God knew that I didn’t have the confidence to go out and try to make new friends, so God sent me confidence in the form of a best friend. She has changed my life in the best way possible. She is the reason for so much happiness in my life. She is the one who took the brave step and texted me. She is the one who made the effort to be my best friend. She is the one who helped me make new friends. She has done so much for me, and I have done so little for her. I have felt that I don’t deserve June as a best friend. I now realize we deserve each other, but I just didn’t earn her. I didn’t do anything to make her my best friend. But a blessing isn’t something you earn. A blessing is something that is given to you by Gods amazing grace. June is a blessing from God. God put this beyond amazing girl in my life, because he loves me. He saw that I needed her, and blessed me with her spirt and ambition. It is God and June who have changed my life. I did nothing. All I did was hope and dream of a better life. Much of my entire life has been spent dreaming of elaborate futures, but this is the one and only occurrence where my dream came true. 

I Love Christmas...Flaws and All

Since my last three Christmas posts have been relatively negative, I want to make positive one. After all Christmas is the most joyous season. Even though I believe the flaws in life need to be voices, the blessings need to be cherished. So I wanted to make an outline of all the reasons I love Christmas.

1.       The classics

i)       The movies and the happiness they bring 

ii)    The decorations

(1)   The tree and ornaments 

(2)  Stockings

(3)  Poinsettias

(4)  Manger Scenes  

iii)  The fires

iv)   The crazy shopping

v)     Wrapping gifts  

vi)   The Christmas Songs

(1)   Hark the Herald Angles Sing

(2)  Silent Night

(3)  The First Noel

(4)  Come All Ye Faithful

(5)  Away in A manger

(6)  Do You Hear What I Hear

(7)  Little Drummer Boy

(8) Mary Did You Know

(9)  O Holy Night

vii)Jesus’s Birthday

2.      It is the season of giving

i)       The Salvation Army Bell

ii)    The charity fundraisers at my school

(1)   For Kids with Cancer

(2)  Gifts for underprivileged kids

iii)  The charities everywhere

iv)   Compassion everywhere

v)     Buying gifts for the ones you love

vi)   Putting a lot of thought into the gifts for your loved ones

vii)The amazing feeling you get when you find the perfect gift

viii)          My parents willingness to give so much

ix)   The love behind every gift they give   

x)     God’s first and most precious Christmas gift

3.      Love is impossible not to see

i)       People are unusually kind to one another

ii)    Entertainment romanticizes this love

iii)  You have a heightened sense of love for the people you are with

4.      Being with the ones you love most dearly

i)       The Christmas Eve party we have at our house every year

ii)    The two fantastic families we spend Christmas Eve with every year. There is much laughter and happiness.

iii)  Going to visit my extended family

iv)   Having a Christmas Party with my friends who are so great

v)     Spending Christmas day with my wonderful, fun, funny, kind, and loving family.

5.      So much Joy. It is so hard to make yourself sad on this glorious day and season.

6.      It is a month long birthday party for Jesus

               

I hope everyone has a very merry Christmas :)  

A True Christmas Song

            In my opinion a melody labeled as a Christmas Song is like a movie winning an Academy Award. There isn’t any higher honor. However just as my praise of Christmas songs isn’t universally perceived, my definition of a Christmas Song differs from the common consensus.

            We turn the radio station on and our ears are trapped by the annoying noise called “Frosty the Snowman” and “Jingle Bells”. These are the annoying non-religious jingles that get old after the first time heard. They are the rejects from the Oscars. These poorly produced tunes so desperately want to be invited. They sneak in to the ceremony only to be “escorted” out before any of their shallow notes can even set foot on the glorious red carpet. I know this is a matter of opinion, but I am sorry they are just so horrible. Yes their tune can be catchy for a half a second, but their words lack the pure holy purpose. To me the headache inducing noise is merely a holiday song. They are unworthy of beholding the honorable title of a Christmas Song. A true Christmas Song is a rich and pure melody that glorifies Christ’s entrance into our suffering world. “Hark the Herold Angels Sing” beats “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas” every single time. “Mary Did You Know” doesn’t even have to attempt to defeat the weak “Jingle Bell Rock”.  The much revered “All I want for Christmas is You” will never win when it is up against the passionate and beautiful “O Holy Night”.

            These holiday songs aren't just annoying. They are evil. Their purpose is to sabotage God’s first and perfect Christmas gift. They are an excuse for not worshiping the precious present. They are a distraction from the original meaning of this O so Holy Night. “It is the night of our dear Savior’s birth” 

I Hate Santa

            I have to announce my unpopular but honest opinion. I can’t contain the brutal truth anymore. Every moment it lingers the more damage it does. I hate Santa Clause.

            That imaginary present bearing man is the only “person” I hate in this world. He undeniably stole Jesus’s spot light! Christmas is supposed to be the day the single starlight shines on beautiful baby Jesus, but now it is Santa’s Christmas lights that make that holy glow hard to see. The glitter, the pitiful materials, the obvious superficial beauty makes Santa so easy to love and Jesus so easy to forget.

            Santa is a distraction from the holiness of the season. But I am one of those who easily becomes distracted by him. Blinded by the riches Jesus warned us against. The Hollow earthly treasures. I often cannot see the light. The riches that are worthless in the Kingdom Jesus invited us too. An invite I have taken for granted.

            I have to announce my unpopular by honest opinion. I can’t contain the brutal truth anymore. Every moment it lingers the more damage it does. What I hate most about Santa Claus is that I love him. 

The First Christmas Gift

Jesus, born away in a manger, couldn’t be more separated from the Christmas Season. His birth, His past, His existence, His life, His sacrifice, His risen spirt, His humble origins are supposed to be the center. The center of Christmas. Now the tree and the presents it protects are the center. Santa replaces the nativity scene. Elf on the shelf triumphs advent. The supposed holy season is forgotten. Thrown to the side like a tree after Christmas. Jesus’s beginnings of his gracious presence in this world has infinitely greater value than the material gifts given and received. Giving is beautiful, but when the glitter of the gifts blinds us from the love behind them, they are worthless. Gifts shouldn’t be judged on their worldly value but rather on the love woven into them. We have forgotten the love that is the foundation of the first Christmas gift. A love behind every gift ever given on earth. The love of God. The expensive wrapping paper, the outrageous bows, and the bright boxes have never held a gift so dear, as the manger did on Christmas Day.