The Ambiguous Case of Osama Bin Laden

            In my middle school years, I didn’t have an accurate understanding what a relationship with God entails. I thought He was a magical genie who would grant any wish you prayed for, but I soon realized, if God existed, He was no genie. If he was a genie, everyone’s wishes would be granted, everyone would be happy, and no one would be in pain. Even my immature 7^th grade self could see this was not the condition the world was in. I was confused why earth and utopia were antonyms. I thought earth and heaven were supposed to be identical twins. I was wrong. I understand why now, but that is a different topic. What is important is that I didn’t understand then. The tragedy, violence, poverty, and hate in the world deeply disturbed me. When I saw reports of murders in Detroit, violent wars, and devastating natural disasters, my positive spirt would leak until I was nothing more than a deflated balloon. Constantly seeing and hearing of devastation in the world disheartened me so extremely I began to question the existence of God. How could this supposed God who loves the world allow so much hate? The thought of living in a world where the bad doesn’t stand a chance against the good was too terrifying. I needed a reason to not lose hope, so I prayed to God. I childishly plead for a sign that would prove God is alive in the world. I was so desperate. Anything would do. Any small positive news report or act of genuine love would have sufficed. But God didn’t do small. The next morning I woke up to hear that Osama Bin Laden was found and killed by US troops.

             There was my sign. It was a validation of God’s existence in the world. It was a message that the world was one step closer to peace. It was the hope I desperately needed. I was ecstatic and utterly amazed that God revealed Himself in such an exceptional way. My happiness grew when I became surrounded by the boosted patriotic atmosphere in America. Right before the school pledged its allegiance to the flag my teacher exclaimed, “Say it proud today”. I did. That day and many following I didn’t see depressing news reports of the world’s tragedies. Instead I saw people marching, celebrating, and singing “God Bless America”. But God, do you bless it? Do you bless this nation? A nation whose fervent momentary pride was based upon a good kill. Do you bless me? A girl who thought the death of an enemy was an honorable form of hope

            Every American citizen I encountered seemed thrilled with the news, except for my Mom. Her patriotic spirit was tiny candle compared to the fire that was consuming the nation. Perplexed by the reason her flame was so dismal, I asked her “aren’t you happy Osama is gone?” She answered in her calm voice that hid the passion behind her unpopular opinion, “No, I just don’t think it is right to be celebrating a death of a person.” I tried to ignore what my mom said. I was convinced his death was something to celebrate. It was a sign God sent me. The prayer and timing was too perfect for it to be anything but a miracle. I couldn’t allow for its purity to be tarnished. It had to have been a message from God proclaiming there was an honorable hope in the world. Didn’t it?

            Ambiguity is an inescapable side effect of faith in God. God is a mystery. A mystery we won’t completely solve in this life time. However, we are given clues. Many of the clues God has shown me are relatively clear. Because of their clarity, these clues have aided me in solving the mystery of God and have led to new understandings and revelations. However, Osama’s death is a clue that is cloudy. Some would say ambiguous. It could lead me down a few different paths. God could have been telling me that it is okay to rejoice over any sinful person’s death and suffering. Another path could be God proclaiming the world is hopeless and cruel because even the supposed “good guys” act barbarically by celebrating the end of a fellow human. Lastly, God was telling me that if I praise the suffering of another person, I would remain a sinner. God has taught me to believe the latter. However, I am still confused. If God has taught me believe that any human death shouldn’t be celebrated, why did God positively illuminate Osama’s death in seventh grade? When I was desperate for a hopeful and honorable sign He delivered a remarkable occurrence the next day. I can’t believe it was a coincidence. Maybe God was trying to give me hope for the moment. Maybe He understood what my seventh grade self and America needed to hear. If that is true, why did He have my mom shine a negative light on the idea? What my mom told me was truly wise, and I know her wisdom was shaped by her Christianity. Maybe God wanted me to live in a glass house of ignorance, but he wanted to crack it slightly so it would crumble one day. Maybe God even wanted me to write about it. Maybe it is everything I have thought of. Maybe I am so completely far off. I do not know. I can guess, but will probably never come to a definite conclusion. That is okay. However, I am a positive God has shown me one thing through this experience. Osama’s death was a sign from God. A sign that I acknowledge but will never cherish. Maybe that is why this sign is so ambiguous. My frustration with not knowing the truth prevents me from treasuring the sign. If I can’t appreciate the occurrence, how can I value the action which brought it to me? The death of a neighbor and an enemy. Two people Jesus taught me to love.

            God is mysterious. Osama’s death is one of His mysteries that I might never figure out, but I am perfectly pleased with discovering the clues in this life time instead of solving the case. 

Motivation

**NOTE: I apologize if this may be a little confusing and informal... it is written like a reflection I would write in my own personal journal. Also there might be some grammatical mistakes because I didn't edit it carefully. But then again do you ever go back and edit your journals?

Lately I have been having trouble motivating myself to do anything other than explore various forms of social media and watch YouTube videos. The typical teenager. Obsessed with the magical and wonderful internet. These tasks aren't inherently bad, but when done in excess they become destructive. Because of my stereotypical actions I loose time to complete spiritual actions. I love to write, read, help people, and learn.  I really do, but I can't motivate myself to do these rewarding tasks.(As you can probably infer from my lack of blog posts) I want to focus on one field of productivity that pertains to this particular context. Writing. After every time I write I get this feeling of completeness. I feel as though my purpose in life is being fulfilled. I am always so excited to write again, but I have a hard time motivating myself to. I spend so much more time on activities that aren't furthering my relationship with God. What I don't understand is why? Why is it so hard for me to get off my butt and do something. There are many flaws in my character, but my most self-destructive one is my laziness. I don't really want to call it laziness, because it is a little different. Well not by much. I have always been satisfied with completing simple tasks. Ever since I was a child. I enjoyed watching wayyyy too much TV. Playing super fun video games on the computer. I occasionally liked to read. But I wasn't a total couch potato! I loved to play outside, ride bikes, and swim. I never got involved with many organized activities. Sports weren't my thing. I didn't have interest in doing many activities after school or outside of school. This was a big problem in middle school. The only activity outside of school that I occasionally partook in was church. Presently, I am not this extreme couch potato that my middle school self once was. And the reason for that is God. In freshman year of high school, I didn't do many outside activities. Just softball in the spring and I hated every minute of it. Then everything changed when God came into my life. At the end of Freshman year was when I really started to know God. And every moment from then has just kept getting better and better, because God keeps pushing me to become better and better. Sophomore year I became actively involved in a community service club called Project Lead, became more involved in church, studied more, read more, wrote more, improved more, and I even got a job at my church! Now I am in my Junior year and am pretty busy. I am in many different clubs, much more involved at my church (I am now a Deacon), babysitting a lot more, writing more, reading a little more, giving more, and blah blah. I am not saying all this because I think I am a great person who has improved greatly. I am saying this to show how God's great grace has improved me as a person in ways I never could. I couldn't have done it without him.

Woww. If you think this post has no coherence  or direction you are right. When I started writing this, I thought it was going to be like something you write in your journal. I just started writing. I didn't know my purpose. I didn't really know what I was going to say until I started writing about my day. (Yes a rhyme!) Writing (especially in my journals) helps connect me to revelations God wants me to know. Well I just started writing and complaining about my laziness and in the end God helped me realize a great revelation. Even though I still complete unfulfilled tasks, I have come such a long way and it is all thanks to God.

A Best Friend

It is a very seldom occurrence that what you constantly dream and fantasize about actually becomes a reality. I am big day dreamer. I always have been. Many of my day-dreams are usually realistic and tangible. It is a problem. Anything I desire in life that I can’t have at that moment I dream up a life in my head where I can have it. I guess in a way my day dreams are a coping mechanism for the lack of what I desire, but unfortunately that kind of makes it an addiction. An addiction that I have had from a very early age. This is in no way a sob-story, it is just a major aspect of my life. In elementary, I used to swing on the swing set for hours just imagining different scenarios my supper cool middle school self would encounter. In middle school I couldn’t wait to get to high school where I was so sure I would meet a ton of friends, become super popular, and have a bunch of boyfriends. I have even dreamed up a high school romance with an attractive new guy from Australia (why Australia… long story). The point of this whole spiel about my day-dreams is to emphasize an important point. There is a 99.9999 % chance that my day-dreams won’t ever turn into my realities. When your actions involve controlling others actions more than your own, it will end in failure. I didn’t become super popular in middle school. I can assure I am anything but super cool in High-School. And sadly no hot guy from half way around the world arrived at my high-school to make my dream come true. I know I kind sound angry and negative about all of this, but I really am not. I know I am not living the life I dreamed up because God has different and better plans for me. I love the way my life has turned out, even if it doesn’t match up with my dreams. However, when I reflect on my entire career in day-dreaming, I realize that there is an exceptional case where my fantasy became a reality. It is the o.ooo1% of my dreams. This exception has had and continues to have an enormous and powerful influence on my life. This exception is so exceptional I can only deduce that it was a blessing from God. I dreamed a dream and it came true.

            I was entering my 7^th grade year with unrealistically high hopes in the form of a vison, but the unrealistic dream was one of the few things I had. I was lost and desperate. Desperate for a best friend, and if I was lucky enough, a group of friends. Throughout sixth grade I hung out with a group of friends who were resembled acquaintances. I didn’t feel like they cared about me, but I also didn’t really care about them. This is in no way there fault. They were never mean to me. I just didn’t see our interests and personalities mixing anymore. At the end of sixth grade I decided to try to slowly break away from that particular group of friends and attempt to find new ones. However, my desperate priority was a best friend. In life people often highly desire a place where they belong. In the mind of a slowly maturing middle school student finding a place to belong isn’t just a desire. It’s a necessity. A necessity I lacked. I felt like I was barely surviving. I know this seems like foolish middle school problem. It is one where I look back and think, “Wow, I was a little dramatic”. There were and still are people who are going through so much more pain. I wasn’t even completely alone. I had an amazing loving family that I took for granted! Well even though my past pain seems unworthy because I was an inexperienced 12 year old girl, I can assure the pain was real and loud. It wouldn’t leave me alone. I remember crying myself to sleep many nights. I remember looking at every girl and wondering, “Could she be my best friend? Does she already have a best friend?” I prayed to God to send someone who would end my suffering. I never prayed to God so passionately before. I am kind of ashamed of that, but a best friend was all I needed. A best friend was what I didn’t have, and there was rarely a moment where I would allow myself forget that. Dreaming up different and future realities where I would have a best friend and a group of friends became my drug to lessen my pain. I imagined a girl and me just clicking and becoming best friends forever. I imagined having sleepovers, trips to the mall, boys, high school, and life with her. I imagined becoming best friends with someone who would introduce me to other friends.  I imagined this perfect girl who would understand me and care about me. My day-dreams were my only hope I could cling to…more like dangle from. See this is where God comes in. At moments of extreme despair God makes his love and presence unmistakably know. Perhaps God wanted you to go through a horrible period in your life so He could give you something amazing after. Something that would barely mean anything too you if you hadn’t gone through the period of time where it was absent. That something for me was and still is my best friend.

            About a month into my middle school nightmare I received a text from this wonderful girl who would soon become my best friend. The text she sent is why we are best friends today. Of all the options for a best friend I definitely didn’t consider her. Not because I didn’t like her or anything! She was just a part of the group I didn’t really want to be close with anymore. (SIDE NOTE: let’s just say the girl I am talking about name is June). The day she sent me the text was a total plot twist on my life. I thought June was a devout member of this middle school clique, but to my surprise she was the opposite. June told me that she didn’t really want to be close friends with our clique anymore, but she did want to become closer friends with me. I realized then she was desperate for the exact same thing that I was desperate for. She was dreaming the same dream. We both needed a best friend. We both needed a new group of friends. We both needed a best friend to meet new friends with. The only difference is that she took steps to make her dream a reality, while I just waited for it to happen.

            We soon began hanging out a lot more. I knew her since 1^st grade, but it felt as though I was meeting a new friend. We became very close and I finally felt like I had a place where I belonged (outside of my wonderful family of course). I wasn’t lost anymore because God gave me June as the light to guide me out my despair. That is exactly what she did. June is very determined. When she wants something she won’t patiently wait and expect it to happen. She stands up and walks right up to the thing she wants and grabs it. She wanted to meet new friends whether they liked it or not. June went about this process in a graceful, kind, and passive way. What I am so grateful for is that she took me along on her journey to meet different people. One of the friends June meet and introduced me too was this wonderful girl named let’s say…Pansy. Currently, she is a best friend of mine. She is the type of person who greatly cares about the happiness of others. She makes an effort to give others that happiness. I think she understood that June and I wanted to make more friends. She would commit social suicide and leave her lunch table and come sit with us losers! I remember Pansy’s friends not being happy about her leaving them at lunch a couple of times a week. Pansy didn’t care enough about her friend’s disapproval to stop being kind and friendly to us. She then did the unspeakable. She invited us to sit with her and her friends at lunch! How could she do such a nice thing?! Didn’t she know that you can’t let anyone new into your middle school clique? Her refusal to conform is why I love Pansy and owe her a great deal of my joy. Pansy gave us an opportunity to make new friends. Her friends originally didn’t like us intruding on their group, but over time, they warmed up to us. They are some of my closest friends I have today. I am so grateful to both Pansy and to God for allowing me to meet these wonderful people. However, there was another force working here. AKA my strong and ambitious best friend. I think June might have had some influence on this decision. Not only did she originally befriend Pansy, but I think she had a direct influence on Pansy’s kind and selfless decision. Maybe she talked with Pansy about wanting to meet new friends, or gave hints that she wanted us to sit with Pansy’s friends at lunch. I don’t know what happened, but I am pretty sure June gracefully pushed her and my way into this group. But please don’t think because June is ambitious she is annoying and unpleasant to be around! She is the opposite. June is a girl a boat load of people love because of she kindly made her own spot in their lives. When and while she makes her way in you can’t help but adore her. I am not really a pusher because I don’t have the confidence to be. I was merely the co-pilot of June’s plane gliding through the air to its destination. The destination being our amazing group of friends.  They are the group of friends that I usually hang out with now, and still sit at lunch with. I have shared so many memories of sleepovers, lunch, parties, and dances with them. In the vast and treacherous sea of High school, they are my little floaty I happily cling too. I know I take my friends for granted, but they have really done a lot for me. I realized soon after forming a group of friends that I probably wouldn’t be friends with them if it weren’t for June. If it wasn’t for her ambition, kindness, and charisma, I probably would still be in the same desolate and depressing place my 7^th grade self was in. Whose only source of hope was her hopeless unrealistic day dreams.

            I knew then and I know now with even greater clarity that June is a blessing from God. God heard my prayers. God wanted to show me He loves me. God knew that I didn’t have the confidence to go out and try to make new friends, so God sent me confidence in the form of a best friend. She has changed my life in the best way possible. She is the reason for so much happiness in my life. She is the one who took the brave step and texted me. She is the one who made the effort to be my best friend. She is the one who helped me make new friends. She has done so much for me, and I have done so little for her. I have felt that I don’t deserve June as a best friend. I now realize we deserve each other, but I just didn’t earn her. I didn’t do anything to make her my best friend. But a blessing isn’t something you earn. A blessing is something that is given to you by Gods amazing grace. June is a blessing from God. God put this beyond amazing girl in my life, because he loves me. He saw that I needed her, and blessed me with her spirt and ambition. It is God and June who have changed my life. I did nothing. All I did was hope and dream of a better life. Much of my entire life has been spent dreaming of elaborate futures, but this is the one and only occurrence where my dream came true. 

I Love Christmas...Flaws and All

Since my last three Christmas posts have been relatively negative, I want to make positive one. After all Christmas is the most joyous season. Even though I believe the flaws in life need to be voices, the blessings need to be cherished. So I wanted to make an outline of all the reasons I love Christmas.

1.       The classics

i)       The movies and the happiness they bring 

ii)    The decorations

(1)   The tree and ornaments 

(2)  Stockings

(3)  Poinsettias

(4)  Manger Scenes  

iii)  The fires

iv)   The crazy shopping

v)     Wrapping gifts  

vi)   The Christmas Songs

(1)   Hark the Herald Angles Sing

(2)  Silent Night

(3)  The First Noel

(4)  Come All Ye Faithful

(5)  Away in A manger

(6)  Do You Hear What I Hear

(7)  Little Drummer Boy

(8) Mary Did You Know

(9)  O Holy Night

vii)Jesus’s Birthday

2.      It is the season of giving

i)       The Salvation Army Bell

ii)    The charity fundraisers at my school

(1)   For Kids with Cancer

(2)  Gifts for underprivileged kids

iii)  The charities everywhere

iv)   Compassion everywhere

v)     Buying gifts for the ones you love

vi)   Putting a lot of thought into the gifts for your loved ones

vii)The amazing feeling you get when you find the perfect gift

viii)          My parents willingness to give so much

ix)   The love behind every gift they give   

x)     God’s first and most precious Christmas gift

3.      Love is impossible not to see

i)       People are unusually kind to one another

ii)    Entertainment romanticizes this love

iii)  You have a heightened sense of love for the people you are with

4.      Being with the ones you love most dearly

i)       The Christmas Eve party we have at our house every year

ii)    The two fantastic families we spend Christmas Eve with every year. There is much laughter and happiness.

iii)  Going to visit my extended family

iv)   Having a Christmas Party with my friends who are so great

v)     Spending Christmas day with my wonderful, fun, funny, kind, and loving family.

5.      So much Joy. It is so hard to make yourself sad on this glorious day and season.

6.      It is a month long birthday party for Jesus

               

I hope everyone has a very merry Christmas :)  

A True Christmas Song

            In my opinion a melody labeled as a Christmas Song is like a movie winning an Academy Award. There isn’t any higher honor. However just as my praise of Christmas songs isn’t universally perceived, my definition of a Christmas Song differs from the common consensus.

            We turn the radio station on and our ears are trapped by the annoying noise called “Frosty the Snowman” and “Jingle Bells”. These are the annoying non-religious jingles that get old after the first time heard. They are the rejects from the Oscars. These poorly produced tunes so desperately want to be invited. They sneak in to the ceremony only to be “escorted” out before any of their shallow notes can even set foot on the glorious red carpet. I know this is a matter of opinion, but I am sorry they are just so horrible. Yes their tune can be catchy for a half a second, but their words lack the pure holy purpose. To me the headache inducing noise is merely a holiday song. They are unworthy of beholding the honorable title of a Christmas Song. A true Christmas Song is a rich and pure melody that glorifies Christ’s entrance into our suffering world. “Hark the Herold Angels Sing” beats “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas” every single time. “Mary Did You Know” doesn’t even have to attempt to defeat the weak “Jingle Bell Rock”.  The much revered “All I want for Christmas is You” will never win when it is up against the passionate and beautiful “O Holy Night”.

            These holiday songs aren't just annoying. They are evil. Their purpose is to sabotage God’s first and perfect Christmas gift. They are an excuse for not worshiping the precious present. They are a distraction from the original meaning of this O so Holy Night. “It is the night of our dear Savior’s birth” 

I Hate Santa

            I have to announce my unpopular but honest opinion. I can’t contain the brutal truth anymore. Every moment it lingers the more damage it does. I hate Santa Clause.

            That imaginary present bearing man is the only “person” I hate in this world. He undeniably stole Jesus’s spot light! Christmas is supposed to be the day the single starlight shines on beautiful baby Jesus, but now it is Santa’s Christmas lights that make that holy glow hard to see. The glitter, the pitiful materials, the obvious superficial beauty makes Santa so easy to love and Jesus so easy to forget.

            Santa is a distraction from the holiness of the season. But I am one of those who easily becomes distracted by him. Blinded by the riches Jesus warned us against. The Hollow earthly treasures. I often cannot see the light. The riches that are worthless in the Kingdom Jesus invited us too. An invite I have taken for granted.

            I have to announce my unpopular by honest opinion. I can’t contain the brutal truth anymore. Every moment it lingers the more damage it does. What I hate most about Santa Claus is that I love him. 

The First Christmas Gift

Jesus, born away in a manger, couldn’t be more separated from the Christmas Season. His birth, His past, His existence, His life, His sacrifice, His risen spirt, His humble origins are supposed to be the center. The center of Christmas. Now the tree and the presents it protects are the center. Santa replaces the nativity scene. Elf on the shelf triumphs advent. The supposed holy season is forgotten. Thrown to the side like a tree after Christmas. Jesus’s beginnings of his gracious presence in this world has infinitely greater value than the material gifts given and received. Giving is beautiful, but when the glitter of the gifts blinds us from the love behind them, they are worthless. Gifts shouldn’t be judged on their worldly value but rather on the love woven into them. We have forgotten the love that is the foundation of the first Christmas gift. A love behind every gift ever given on earth. The love of God. The expensive wrapping paper, the outrageous bows, and the bright boxes have never held a gift so dear, as the manger did on Christmas Day. 

Signs Page Explanation

              God is mysterious. God is difficult to see. God doesn’t just show up one day as the glowing white bearded man depicted in images and say “Hey, I am God. I exist.” Why though? Why can’t God just appear in a dream, and say “Whats up!? I am here.” If God did that, finding and maintaining faith would be so much easier. But if something is easy to obtain, it would be less valued than something that is hard to obtain. It is like the grades received from different classes. Last year I took the most time consuming, challenging, and stressful course I have ever taken. If you are a high school student or know one, you probably have heard of a little class called APUSH(AP United States History). I spent one to three hours every night studying, making flashcards, reading the book, taking notes on the book, and mentally preparing myself for the next quiz, test, or in-class essay. It was exhausting, but not in vain. I got an A. That A was awesome, and I still thank God today for giving me the abilities to achieve it. I got As in other classes as well. For example, for my fashion design class the grade was primarily determined by participation. So basically because I put an honest effort in that class, I received an  A. Let’s be realistic now, the effort I put into fashion design was nothing compared to the effort I put into APUSH. I didn’t need to in order to achieve the same result. I ended up receiving the same grade in both classes, but the grades were not at all equal in value. I find greater happiness when I think about my grade in APUSH than my grade in fashion design. That is simply because my A was not easy to achieve. My grade was not given to me as a delicately wrapped gift. The grade required hard work, doubt, and perseverance. My relationship with God was not easy to achieve. My relationship with God isn’t a delicately wrapped gift God just handed over to me. Building a relationship with God requires hard work, doubt, and perseverance (and a whole lot of other stuff). If God revealed Himself to me as glowing figure and said, “Hello. I am God. I am here. I exist. I love you”, I know I would effortlessly accept God into my daily lives without truly understanding His value. God would become like the sun. A reliable and inescapable constant aspect of life. So easy to accept its presence. So easy to acknowledge its importance. So easy to forget its value. So easy to not appreciate. So easy not to notice. My life wouldn’t be worth living, if I never noticed God.

            My faith in God has not been achieved through direct contact with Him. That would be too easy. My faith in God comes from indirect communication. I guess you could call them signs. Gods signs serve as validation of His constant presence with us and His endless support. Living life while noticing all of the different ways God is communicating with us is hard. It is easy to focus on the world and all of its demands, but it is hard to make time for God. However, when we fixate ourselves on God and notice His signs, God gives us something more valuable than anything on Earth. God allows us to see Him.

            I think God wants to make his presence known, but He wants to do so in a way that will keep us actively engaged. If God makes himself harder to see, we put in a greater effort to connect with Him. And because finding God is a difficult task, we are given a greater sense of glory when we do see Him. When I finally notice one of God’s signs that I desperately need, I feel like the Miracle Mets when they won the World Series. I feel like an underdog who has won the championship. The championship being Gods infinite grace. I have been filled with strong doubt, worry, and confusion that only God can and has repeatedly beaten. God is here. We just need to perceive his presence.

            God graciously gives me many messages that teach me lessons and validate his eternal love. God’s signs are one of the best paths to experiencing God’s message. That is why I wanted to make this page. To illustrate the signs I have received from God that have inspired my blog posts. I feel as though when people (myself included) talk about their faith, they do not typically talk about the personal and intimate ways God has shown Himself to them. I do not view this as in any way wrong! All of my religious blog posts I typically talk about what God does for me, and what his teaching mean. I have explained the what but not the how. I have not explained how I have come to believe what I believe. How something has come into existence is just as important if not more important than what actually is existing. I want to share. I want to explain how my faith has evolved to be what it is today. How has God shown Himself to me? How did I become a Christian? How can I be so sure about my faith? Simple. It’s all about God’s unquestionable signs. 

Thanks Be to God

           In honor of thanksgiving being tomorrow I thought I would post a little blog post about gratitude. Typically in elementary school they might have you write down what you are thankful for on a decorative sheet of paper. Their lists typically consist of friends, family, pets, and a few other points of interest. Yes their space is limited, but their list shouldn’t be limited to the most noticeable areas of gratitude in our lives.

            One day at church we watched a short video about experiencing life. Yes I know. Blah blah blah. I have heard it all before. While watching I arrogantly assumed he wouldn’t be saying anything different from what I have already heard or said. Oh how foolish I was. He would say something so much better. We are constantly told (even by me) that we must live in the moment to fully experience life. We are rarely ever told how. The creator of the video does enlighten us . He said to be completely connected to each moment or our lives, is to be grateful for each second. We have to look at what we are doing each moment and find the thanks we have to give.

       In the moment I am writing this post I can find many things to be thankful for. Not because I believe I have anymore than anyone. Because there are so many unnoticeable sources of gratitude we need to be motivated to look for. I am thankful for my parents who generously gave me the laptop I am writing on for Christmas last year even though I didn’t ask. I am thankful they work hard but also well-paying jobs that enable them to afford such luxuries. I am thankful for my ability to write and read. I am thankful for this countries and my cities amazing education system. I am thankful I got to experience that life changing video my church provided. I am thankful I attend such an amazing church. I am thankful for the man that made the life-changing video. I wish I remembered his name. I am thankful for my own room that I am writing in. I am thankful for its messiness. I am thankful for my own full sized bed.  I am thankful for my warm blankets surrounding me. I am thankful for the house my room is in. I am thankful that my two wonderful parents and three incredible sisters and I can live in it with extreme comfort. I am thankful that it is in a safe neighborhood and in a safe city. I am thankful for my overactive mind. I am thankful for this opportunity of peace.  To whoever is reading this I am thankful for you. If you know me, thank you for caring enough about me to read what I have to say. If I do not know you, thank you for giving me a chance. I could continue, but I think the list would probably be three pages too long. Again not because my life is of any more value than yours, but rather we all have so many hidden treasures in our lives.  
            There are so many aspects of life to be grateful for. It doesn’t matter if they are major or minor. We are blessed to have these priceless riches in our lives. We often forget to search for life’s buried treasures. I hope we remember to dig deeper. I also hope we remember God is the one who blesses the world with sources of gratitude. God has given this life to us as a gift. A gift that does not deserve to be wasted. A gift that deserves every aspect to be appreciated. A gift whose giver deserves to hear, “Thank You”. 

I Love Random Stuff

IMPORTANT NOTE: To understand the purpose of this piece you must read my previous blog post “What do You Love?” Thanks J

            I love blankets. I love sweaters. I love my bed. I love cold nights where I have to pile blankets on me to keep warm.

            I love the warmth and happiness of summer. I love the refreshing smell of fall. I love the beauty of winter. I love the atmosphere of December. I love the flowering warmth of spring.

            I love learning. I love being surrounded by people at school. I love how school isn’t boring as long as you make it interesting. I love reconnecting with old friends. I love meeting new ones. I love when teachers are enthusiastic. I love the unknown aspect of learning.

            I love history. I love learning about past people, society, economy, and nations. I love the different opinions on past and present. I love forming opinions from past events. I love the increased sense of understanding and appreciation we have for the present after we learn about its beginnings.

            I love music. I love how a love of music is something the majority of humans share. I love the variety of music there is to choose from. I love 5 Seconds of Summer. I love fangirling over them with my good friend. I love listening to their CD with my little sister in my car. I love how she guesses what member is singing. I love telling her if she is right or wrong. I love how she is usually wrong. I love jamming out to their song “18” with my littlest sister. I love the catchy and popular pop songs (until they are overplayed). I love classic rock. I love Queen. I love Billy Joel. I love Journey. I love AC/DC. I love Elton John. I love listening to the classic rock stations. I love listening to the classic rock stations on long car rides with my Dad and older sister. I love when my older sister and I try to guess who is singing the song playing at that moment. I love how my Dad always knows the artist. I love how songs are more than the lyrics and music. I love how songs can be memories.

            I love driving. I love my ten year old car named Woodrow. I love the freedom. I love the independence. I love that my parents were kind enough to get me my car. I love that my parents trust me to drive. I love that my parents pay half the price of Gas. I love my parents. I do not love the price of Gas. 

The Pleasure in Pain

             Lately, I have been struggling to understand the concept of pain. Pain is more complicated than just an unpleasant state of being. There are different types of pain. There are different emotions attached to the different types of pain. There are different ways of dealing with pain. There are different people who experience different types of pain. However, I have been relatively ignorant to the essence and complexity of suffering. Pain is a relatively unfamiliar topic to me. There have been a great deal of times where I have suffered from sadness, anger, anxiety, exhaustion, and many other forms of emotional pain. There have also been a great deal of instances where I have suffered stings, aches, soreness, bodily illness, and many other forms of physical pain. I just haven’t experienced pain with as intense severity as others have in the world. I am very grateful that God has spared me of such extreme pain. However, I hate, more than anything, that millions of people do experience intense suffering. I love and dislike my relationship with pain. I love how we are just acquaintances, but I don’t love how we are not friends. If we were friends, I wouldn’t be ignorant to pains character. If we were friends, I wouldn’t have the guilt of not being friends with pain while millions of others are. If we were friends, I would have a greater level of empathy for those who are also friends with pain.  I pray to God every night asking Him to end the pains of others and to allow the sufferers to allow God to strengthen them. Can I righteously ask this? Although I have had such little experience with the coexistence if pain, God, and faith, can I honestly just assume that their suffering can easily be subdued by faith in God. The correct is no. I can’t. I lack the basic understanding.

            Having faith in and praising God while life is going well is so blissfully easy. God has granted me glorious peace and happiness in situations where if I didn’t allow him in my heart I would still have peace and happiness. Please don’t misinterpret this as me saying I don’t need God. Every moment of my life when I feel Gods presence is infinitely greater in value than moments where I shut God out. The logic of my relationship with God would make it easy to assume that in moments of pain I would remain strong through faith and maintain a certain level of peace and happiness. Well for me personally quite the opposite happens. I have experienced incredibly intense physical pain before. I felt as though my stomach was being twisted, stretched, and burned all at the same time. This is not a common occurrence, but it has happened. I tried praying to God, but the pain was too much. It shames me to say in that moment of weakness I told God that I was ready to die if that meant my agony would end. My soul gave up trying to fight my suffering, but even worse I gave up on God. My surrender to pain validated that I wasn’t strong enough to let God strengthen me. I let God down.

            Months go by and I am training for a 5K with my mother. She got this app called “Couch to 5K”, and it is meant for non-athletic people to build up the endurance to run a 5K. Each workout gets harder as we slowly begin to walk less and run more. When we first started it was relatively easy, but as weeks went on it increasingly became harder to complete. I again was experiencing moments of great suffering. I tried to pray, but I found it easier to be consumed by my discomfort. It was like my pain was demanding to be felt.** I could only remain focused on my burning lungs and how every breath only fueled its fire. I couldn’t stop thinking about how my heart was beating so fast as if on the verge of explosion. My mind couldn’t begin to understand how can and how has anybody survived this kind of exhaustion. After you run, the body’s and mind’s sense of accomplishment motivates you to run another time. This is how many runners find the strength to run frequently, but I was not okay with just running for the feeling afterwards. I realized how I dealt with hurt during my runs and in general needed to change. If I want a strong and durable relationship with God, I must learn how to allow him to help me deal with pain.

            I listen to music when I run, but instead of interpreting the lyrics literally I manipulate the meanings to reflect my relationship with God. For example, the song “I’ll Be There” by Jackson Five played, and I imagined it was God singing the lyrics directly to me. God helped me this way by giving me the tools to help myself while simultaneously remaining attached to him. Each time I ran, each time I suffered, the pain consumed me less until my praise and communication to God consumed me more. While each run became more physically demanding, my spirt was lifted and distanced from the hurt by God. Each run I tried to run faster than the last, and paradoxically I suffered a little less with each run. However, listening to music while running seemed like an accessory I couldn’t afford if I wanted to genuinely receive Gods help. On the day of the actual 5K I knew I had and could run without any musical assistance. It was just me and God. I completed it to the best of my physical ability and also with a happy heart. Pain didn’t defeat me. God protected my spirt.

            Completing the 5K was not the greatest accomplishment achieved through my training process. I learned something extraordinary. Something I never thought was possible, but was the answer to my question-“How do we deal with pain?” God has answered this question, in my favorite way… A PARADOX. Thanks to Gods endless grace, I know now there is pleasure to be found in pain.

            Running has become an amazing spiritual activity for me. I have become closer to pain and effectively closer to God. Moments of pain were once the moments when I was most separated from God because I felt as though He wasn’t there. Now moments of pain have evolved to become the moments where I am closet to God because I have never been more aware of His presence. I hear God in the lyrics to songs. I feel God in my rapidly beating heart. I taste God in my dry mouth. I smell God in the crisp refreshing autumn air. I see God running alongside me and cheering me on. That strong and beautiful connection to God is the pleasure I find in pain. Faith in God exceeds experiencing only the easy and peaceful times. Having a relationship with God involves all the painful and hard situations God can change into pleasant moments. After my last run before the 5K, I did something I have never done so seriously before. I actually fell to my knees to pray. I thanked God for increasing my understanding of pain. I thanked God for the strength He has given me. I thanked God for the stronger sense of empathy for those who suffer He has blessed me with. I thanked God for giving me hope that people who are experiencing pain can reach out to Him and gain pleasure from the pain. I feel so enlightened now that I have gone through this process of confronting pain directly and coming out victorious because of God. There are personal flaws in this lesson. I know that pain shouldn’t be a goal, and I shouldn’t intentionally make myself suffer. I also know that there is so much more complexity to pain that I have yet to encounter. However, I have found a source of attainable hope. When I look at the world and see the inevitable and excruciating suffering of my neighbors, I can confidently and happily say that God can graciously give the sufferers "the strength to face all conditions" Philippians 4:13. We just have to spread Gods love.

**Credit for this idea goes to John Green (an awesome human being). It is featured in his book The Fault in Our Stars

I Love My Dad

           I love my Dad. I love all the hard work he does for me and my family. I love how much he has sacrificed for us. I love that he is a good model of what a father should be. I love how my Dad works a stressful job to support us. I love how he never brings that stress home. I love that he always puts his family before his work. I love how he takes my little sister to doctor’s appointments. I love the amount of time and effort he gives to coaching my other little sister’s softball team. I love his effort to stay connected with his family in Pennsylvania. I love how he is almost always in a good mood. I love his attempts to be funny. I love when he actually says something funny. I love how much he loves my Mom. I love when he gets her flowers. I love when he makes sure his daughters are doing enough for her on mother’s day and her birthday. I love how my Dad finds ways of connecting with each of his daughters. I love how he has read my littlest sister every single Harry Potter book even though she can read perfectly fine. I love how he acts like a ten year old boy when he plays Clash of Clans with my other little sister. I love the personality traits my Dad and my older sister share. I love watching TV shows with my Dad. I love how he has introduced me to most of them. I love watching superhero movies with him. I love his constant support. I love that he knows he can trust me. I love how I couldn’t have asked for a better Dad. I love how God choose him to be my Dad. I love how God choose me to be my Dad’s daughter. I love how it’s my Dads birthday today. I love how it is the perfect day to post this post. I love how today I can say, “Happy Birthday Dad! I love you.”   

I Love God

            I love God. I love everything God does. I love knowing I can trust God. I love how God puts different and wonderful situations in my life for a reason. I love discovering signs from God. I love that God cares enough about me to strengthen our bond. I love how when I wonder away from God, God comes and finds me. I love how when I am the lost sheep, God is the shepherd. I love God’s consistent forgiveness. I love God’s mercy. I love how God welcomes all. I love the peace I find with God. I love praying to God every night. I love how my prayers are like conversations with God. I love God’s Son. I love Jesus. I love how Jesus saved me from my sin. I love how Jesus was willing to suffer so greatly because he loves us. I love how Jesus teaches me how to be a better person. I love the happiness God gives me. I love the places God gives me. I love the things God provides for me. I love the life God has given me. I love how I can elaborately elaborate on each of the things I love about God. I love how much he cares about me. I love how much I care about God. I love that God is always there. I love how everything I love is a gift from God. I love God with all my heart. 

"What do You Love?"

(Before Writing)  

            Last Week I found myself sad. I wasn’t exactly sure why, but there were so many negative thoughts surrounding me. I was tired of being upset for unjustifiable reasons. My recurring worries and issues were becoming too much for me to hold. So I turned to God and asked what do I do? My mind instinctively went to writing. I have had this one blog post idea for a while where I would write about how a terrible historical event could have been prevented, through faith and peace with God (I will write about it eventually). However, negative and angry thoughts would be the basis of that post, which would be counterproductive to the problem at hand. So I was stuck. “God, what do I do?” Well he answered my question. The best way to defeat negativity is to battle it with positivity. Many of my blog posts have been… I don’t know… not super positive and joyful. Do I regret writing them? Absolutely not. It is just time for a change. Asking God questions during difficult times is an action most religious people do, and I do not escape this generalization. “God, what do I do?” God answered my desperate call for help. However, he didn’t answer it the traditional way. He didn’t give me a statement, order, or suggestion that would clarify my confusion. He answered me with another question. “What do you love?”

**Here is where I would have put my list of everything I love. I started every sentence with, “I love…” For example, “I love God.” I would then elaborate on what exactly it is I love about God. I also wrote about nature, objects, experiences, and people I love. 

(After Writing) 

            Wow. Just Wow. I only generalized what I love, and I wrote more than I ever could imagine. We are talking around 3,000 words. God has taught me an immense amount from this love filled writing process. I originally thought I could put everything I wrote in one blog post. I understand now that it is simply too long. So I am going to break up what I have written in to smaller sections, and I will post each section at different periods of time. Okay moving on. Have you ever been told to “count your blessings”? I sure have… plenty of times! Whenever I heard the suggestion I would think, “Yeah that is a good idea. Okay thank you God for everything you have blessed me with.” I made an ignorant and unemotional statement of gratitude, and consequently I did not really understand the extent of my appreciation. Actually counting my blessings has healed my blindness to the variety of love I have to be grateful for. I now feel happier and more content with my life.  There is so much to cherish in the world, and I thank God that I can clearly see the beauty of my existence. I have also learned how exactly what we love impacts our lives. Does it shape who we are? Well what we love definitely influences who we are, however, what we hate does to. What aggravates us. What we want to change. What makes us sad. They are all ingredients in the recipe for “Who We Are”.  For instance, I wrote, “I love that I live in a place where I can eat food for pleasure.” I did not say, “I hate that there is hunger in this world.” Both sides of the story influence who I am. So what does only love do for us? What does love do that is uniquely loves? After writing what I love, I began to imagine my life without my blessings. Imagine my life without my sources of happiness, without my friends, without my hobbies, without my family, and without my faith in God. I would live a life full of anger, disappointment, mental instability, and misery. It would be full of nothing I value. Nothing of worth. What we love makes our lives valuable. Our blessings make our lives worth living. When we look at the world and see the injustices we hate, the wrong we want to make right, and the hurt we want to heal, we can look back towards our blessing and say, “Hey this life isn’t so bad.” Writing what I love has truly been too great a gift from God not to share. I HIGHLY suggest taking the time to write about everything you love. I know that I have many blessings, but I know everyone else does too. Take the time to focus on the positive side of life. The side that makes life worth living. 

Flyin By

Really quick post, but it is necessary! School starts tomorrow and I am experiencing many different emotions. First utter disbelief at how fast the summer went bye. One of the downsides of enjoying life in the present moments is things just seem to fly by. However, I would rather live a short and happy life than a long one where I am always anticipating the future. This summer has been too good. God has been so good to me. I am so humbled by his love and the support and strength he gives me. Yes I am feeling sad that summer is ending, but I am also excited for what is going to happen, and I trust that everything will work out according to Gods plan. But I need to cherish the moment I am in right know. This school year is like a delicious ice cream cone, and once it is all gone I will I wish I could have it all over again. I will wish that the cone is not empty, but full of ice cream and potential. I now realize I am in that moment that I am going to want to relive again. The moment where the ice cream cone is fresh, and hasn't been licked. The moment where I know an abundance of enjoyment will follow. So tonight as I fall asleep, I will try not to spend the night thinking and anticipating for the new school year. I will spend it cherishing the fact that a new wonderful  journey is standing right in front of me. A journey that hasn't even begun, but one that is is full of promise and potential. Thank you God for allowing me to see the value in all moments of life.

In the Moment

“Live in the present”. “Life is too short to be worrying about the future”. “Today is a gift”. Those are just a sampling of the cliches that have never stopped being told, but at the same time they are not listened too by the human ear. If anyone has never been told told to live in the moment, because life is a gift and worrying about the future ruins the present, then this blog post isn’t for you. Go explore the world. Find people to tell you to live in the moment and then come back and read this. Why? I am not here to tell the already told. This post is for people who have heard and believed in the ideal all their lives, but struggle to put the word to action.

I and many others believe that being fully engaged in the present moments of our lives is the ideal form of existence. The classic cliche is a book we have read that proved to be an enjoyable and agreeable read. It was so widely accepted and beloved they even made a movie adaptation of it. However, the movie didn’t do the book justice. Parts were left out. Favorites things were overlooked. Important parts were not emphasized. Nothing turned out the way you imagined and hoped it would. But what can you expect. Putting words to action is a difficult task.

I believe I have been receiving signs recently telling me to stop worrying about the future and focus on the present. I know I should. Life is too short. We need to cherish the time we have now. One day we will look back at these moments and miss them. The logic and beauty behind the philosophy is undeniable, but it is hard to give the philosophy life in our reality. It’s just simply hard to stop worrying, imagining, or hoping for the future. Its hard to not fear what tomorrow may bring. It’s hard to not worry about the pain that might be encountered. It’s hard not steal time from the present in attempts to prevent future misfortune. It’s also hard not to hope for a future better than the present. It’s hard not to try to imagine what a better life will entail. Its hard to stop trying to do the impossible and live in the future, and consequently distancing yourself from the present. Its too hard. However, struggle can add value.

All of the wise men and women who tell us the wise statements I am addressing usually leave out how one would actually become successful in forgetting about the future and fully living in the present. But I think the how is an open ended question on a test. Answer it how you want, but you might not get it right. Jesus, as usual, has something to say on the subject. In the passage titled Trust In God (hint hint) Jesus asks, “Can any of you live a bit longer by worrying about it?” Luke 12:25. Now imagine this is an open ended question on Mr. Jesus’s final exam. Now the obvious correct answer is no, but what if Mr. Jesus pulled the oldest and cruelest teachers trick that there ever was. What if he added one simple word to the instruction. EXPLAIN. His students have been stumped for years trying to figure it. We know the answer. We know what we should do. We just don’t know how. Some have succeeded and some have not. Only if we students actually listened to our teachers lessons. Answering that question on Mr. Jesus’s final exam would be much easier. If we listened to our teachers lectures,we would remember when he talked about the human need for food and clothing and telling us not to worry.“Your Father knows that you need these things, Instead, be concerned with his Kingdom, and he will provide you with these things.”Luke 12: 30- 31.   In this passage Jesus addresses the common human worry of obtaining the necessities of food and clothing. Here we are 2000 years later and our worries for the future have multiplied dramatically, but that doesn't mean that God can’t be trusted to provided. Jesus tells us we need to become focused not on future needs, but on our present relationship with God and his people. He tells us we don’t need to worry so much about the future as long your faith in God remains stronger than our fears. Sometimes finding the answer to the question is as easy as opening up the textbook.

“Trust God and everything will turn out alright”. “God has a plan for our futures”. “Focus on your faith in God”. I realize I have just presented a new set of classic cliches that need acted out in our lives. There is a question that still reigns. How? I don’t know. I only know how I have personally come to trust God. This is a new open-ended question, but everyone’s answer is going to be different. Some answers might still be wrong, but there are also multiple right answers.  Everyone's path to discovery, faith, and trust is different. I do not know other followers paths, nor do I think it is my business to know. However, despite the many different paths the destination is the same. The destination of trust in God is what's going to offer us deliverance from fear or anticipation for the future, and allow us to be truly connected with our present state, our present relationships, our present beliefs, and our present trust.

Prayers of the People

I got the wonderful opportunity to write and say a prayer for my church this Sunday. I was definitely nervous, however, I don't think I totally failed. The type of prayer I wrote is called the prayers of the people. This type of prayer in my church is a chance to say thank you to God for all he has blessed us with, but also to pray for the end of different misfortunes around the world. We will also collect prayer slips that our church members have written. The prayer slips will have anyone or anything needing prayed for written on it. I loved writing the prayers, and reading them in the service wasn't as bad as I feared. So everything went pretty good, and I wanted to post them on my blog. I don't have a good transition into the actual prayers soooo yeahh. Here they are! 

Dear loving and gracious God

Your love for us is shown in every moment of our lives

Let our gratitude for your infinite love be a reminder of our faith and devotion to you

We are very thankful for all you have blessed us with

From our hectically enjoyable lives and our chaotic daily experiences

To our moments of relaxation and peace  

From the food on our plates

To the water we drink

From our comfortable homes that shelter us

To foreign places we get to visit

From the beautiful areas of nature that surround us

To the exciting places and opportunities urban areas have to offer us

From our close and comforting relationships with friends and family

To our special encounters with strangers

From our sacred moments of individual solitude where we can independently pray, connect and grow in our faith with you

To moments right now where we as followers of Christ have congregated to pray, connect, and grow as a family of faith

We are thankful, O’ Lord, for your gracious blessings

Despite all of the wonderful blessings present in life we look at the world and see that pain and misfortune is inevitable

May our joyful blessings, be our source of hope in a world full of pain, and may our prayers reveal our optimistic desire for the hurt present in the world to be healed.

We pray that those who are lost in the world are guided by your ever-present light  

For the people whose hope has been taken by sorrow

We will hope for them when we pray that they regain their joy

For the places, households, and stomachs of the world where hunger is existent

We pray that food will no longer be a stranger

For all the children and adults without a solid education

We pray that they will find the people, resources, and motivation to learn and grow

For those who are treated immorally and unequally because of their gender, sexual preference, race, culture, or religion

We pray that the importance placed on the classifications of human kind will vanish and we all become one people

For the Christians of Iraq forced out of their homes and for those affected by the conflict between Israel and Palestine,

We pray that their faith in you remain strong enough to give them strength, and that their tragedies may end

For all of those effected by the Ebola virus,

We pray that their bodies and spirt be healed

And for those who fear its expansion

We pray their fear be replaced by trust in God

For those sufferers who are unknown to us, we pray and trust that their anguish will end

And for those who we have the blessing of knowing, for the people in our lives, for the sufferers whose suffering we personally witness,

 We pray for (Insert pray slips)

Loving and gracious God, we know despite all the difficult and easy situations present in the world there are blessings from you to be found

Let them be a reminder of your love for us but also may it be our motivation and strength to do our part to heal the hurt of the world

We pray all these things in the name of Jesus Christ, who taught us when we pray to say… Our Father…